Wedlock: A why & not a cry

A happy marriage is a long conversation which  always seems too short ” 

 

24th was the date I was born on. Every year my parents, family, friends, relatives, acquaintances call me on this day make me feel special as it is my birthday as I was born on this date, it kept coming every year untill I turn 24  and people started whispering “she is 24, she is 24, it’s the time, she should be married” I looked at the clock time didn’t show me marriage written on it, nor did my birth certificate mention about it. When my  male best friend told me “why are you making your dad spend on laptop when he has expenses to make for your marriage”, it was when I turn 24 my  mom said its time we can’t take any more you must be married”,  My brother said “why are you still home you should be gone now”. I felt the unbearable burden of 24 and it is heavy way beyond what  I imagined. I turned to my female friends  and asked them WHY GIRLS MARRY WHEN THEY TURN IN NUMBERS  ? My friends told me their secrets which was  well…. They told me “its hard  don’t do it. They showed me “its tough and gets tougher day by day because we did it for them, We did it in name of a ritual, We did it in  the name of restriction, We did it in the name of finance that would buy us new shoes and bags, We did it because our mom did it,  We did it as it is to be done, we did it as if you don’t do it now you will never be able to do it, We did as others were doing it and I was intimidated by it, We did it as we had no option, we did because we weren’t strong enough to fight for it, we did it because my mom said, “ you cannot survive without a man”, We did it because we were ageing, we did it because we were not brave enough to fight for our dreams and ambitions, we did cause we had no boyfriend, we did it because we were Gujarati and we did it because all of us  have to do it one day, We did it because my parents will be looked down upon if I don’t, we did it because  we love our mom dad,  we married forcefully, we did it because not doing it wasn’t acceptable & we did it because  NO ONE TOLD WE WHAT ELS TO DO.

Then there was me  turning  24 on 24th with marriage being the only wish to fulfil, it was my turn to do it so did I do it ? No!! I didn’t. Well because it wasn’t written in the constitution of my country or wasn’t written in holy Geeta that Hinduism refer to, because it was not the part of syllabus in my school books which I studied,  also as I saw my  brother being above 24 years and still being single, Nor would it get me the noble prize, I didn’t do because my idol CoCo Chanel too didn’t do it.

MARRIAGE to me is not about numbers or a social ritual to follow nor a trend to stay updated with. Marriage is subjective in my opinion where each one getting married has their own reasons to do it. Yes ! R-E-A-S-O-N-S

 A reason that will bring important change to my life after doing it and right now I don’t know that reason,  I am not even in love, I do not know what good it will serve me or what internal wellbeing It will cause to my life which is already so beautiful, so fulfilling. I do not know what change will marriage bring to the essence of womanhood. I ponder upon how marriage will help me accept my flaws that I am struggling with, or fulfil my dream to climb mount Everest, a dream that is seems so difficult to me right now. But I know what marriage will get my parents or my relatives, simply new gossip over kitty parties. I assume every body around me asking me to get married did gain something vital from it, of utmost importance and so they are being so generous and motivational about it. I assume they must have had reached a milestone by doing it and pouring that  encouragement for me right ? If marriage isn’t about achieving a milestone then it must be something basic. But lets not make it the only basic  need of human survival.

Being a curious girl who I have always been, Next time you ask me or suggest me or advice me which  I sugarcoat as a synonym for “pressurizing” to get married do let me know about your achievements. I have learnt that every action has equal and opposite reaction so let me know the reaction of  Godly action you took then. I will not marry on the reason of others but on the one unique of my own. Just as I have unique retina and fingerprint that distinguishes me from you,  my reason to marry is going to be MINE.  I owe an explanation to my self for actions that I take, for decision that I make, for life that I create, for lessons that I teach, for kids that I make. I own explanation to my only life that I have & I am aware of as when I will grow old &  look back to what I made out of this life I want marriage to be one of those reasons I smile for being my longest commitment. If I had to live a life of simply following order without questioning it I would get into army serve as a soldier defending her country without being selfish. 

 In India marriages are about family and togetherness that are brought by union of two  people which is beautiful and also it’s about respecting elderly decisions blindly on the basis of their experience of the world and its functioning without questioning.  Following this herd we have become ignorant to the silence that I have witnessed  behind the doors of self-proclaimed wisdom filled with curses. I have heard whispering of women about their regrets and helplessness. I have seen wives adoring over movies and wishing if they could live it, if they could undo their past, surrounded by so many women I don’t see them satisfied or happy but I see them settled and helpless accepting their lives as their destiny and all the daughters out there are told this tale of compromise that comes with being a women. In this chaos of gender inferiority and superiority  I  my own kind of women step down of this not so required self-pity and self-sacrifice, stop this modified updated version of sati where every inch of emotions are burnt  alive every day till last breath. I tend to remove the crown of damsel in distress and run from that priesthood and indeed choose to be queen of decisions and embrace the  consequences that may be bitter but are better mine.  I cannot ask all women out there to adore my thoughts as theory is flowery and soothing but its practicality is harsh and thorny,  But I ask the epitome of God’s creation out there to question this practice and how worth it is, find the grace and strength to do justice to their only life they have.  Marriage is not a one side business nor it is a compromise that every women have to make, throw that part of history which teaches you to be a looser. Marriage is a promise that two people make to themselves and each other allowing their close ones and loved ones to witness the coming together and staying together making a living better. Yes better! Simply better… marriage cannot change your life, It is simply an act we perform it is how we as an individual make this action worth so stop there itself lecturing me about it, stop asking questions about what is wrong with her?  Because nothing is wrong with her she is simply busy thinking, planning, executing her ambitions and its okay if people don’t understand it, there will be times your closest person will not understand your wants and need. When they will try to inculcate guilt and embarrassment for something that you believe in, put your guards on let your defence protect your vision, Belive in self validation and no other.  Humans have a lot to learn and one thing we are still in process of is the acknowledgment of accepting ” DIFFERENT “, Human beings are scared creature they never welcome the change that is not understood, whose circumstances cannot be predicted  in every era there were and are going to be people who will be different either physically, mentally, emotionally, creatively, in terms of adversity, tolerance, dreams, thoughts, vision & actions. The question is how far are you willing to go to protect it. I have come this far and may even go further, conformity is not my forte so shall I cannot conform.

” Be a women of substance, not of consequence “

Have a good day !

 

Advertisements

Depression: more than being sad

nationalgeographic_1361070-22_custom-dc7e677b29304320b41d30fb6bc6df6004405e30-s900-c85Hi there, what if I tell you 50% of people in depression deny depressive feelings and do not appear sad. yes! humans are smarter than we think and also unpredictable to an extend. Depression not only affect our mood but our speech, concentration, thinking, body, sleep, hunger, memory, life, relationship pretty much everything and we must be aware of it. below are some facts that we as a psychologist are aware and so we know what it does to a person which I want to share with you all. we need to look at the bigger picture of depression, it is more than just feeling sad and sad and sad it impacts you and  can changes  your entire personality, the more you ignore it the more it gets hold on you.

  1. Many people in depression have decrease rate and volume of speech.
  2.  Many depressed people will answer in one word with delay response to questions. sometimes they can take literally 2 to 3 mins to answer.
  3. Depressed people have negative views of the world and themselves
  4. All they can think about is loss, guilt, suicide and death
  5. About 10% of all depressed patients have symptoms of thought disorder usually thought blocking and poverty of content.
  6. 50 to 75 percent of all depressed people have depressive pseudodemntia that is concentration issues  and forgetfulness
  7. About 10 to 15 percent of all depressed people commit suicide and about 2/3 have suicidal ideation.
  8. Person in depression will always describe in hyperbolic, they will over emphasize their life problems and they are convinced that improvement is not possible.
  9.  50% of people in depression have their first episode of depression before the age of 40.
  10.  Untreated episode of depression can ast 6 to 13 months.
  11. depression is long-lasting and tends to relapse.

The last two  seems pretty gross and that is why it is important to not neglect depression, specially in a country like india which is already most depressed country in the world.

After all you never say ‘Its just cancer get over it’.

Identifying Depresssion

Hi there, it seems finally in India people are getting familiar with the word depression. Its been talk of the town a lot lately. I don’t want to talk about what is depression but about its symptoms because instead of defining lets know how to identify it which will make it more easy to know Depression. Now if you google the word ‘depression’ all you will get is the horrendously scary image of black abstract god knows what does it means or people with extreme reactions which is dead scary, let me share some.

I wish depression was so easy to spot on but, it’s not. People don’t go around looking like this or siting in a corner of room where one can spot and say, “hey! I know it its depression”. Depression is not like cold/fever where you sneeze and bingo you have cold, that is not how our world of mental health works, it is different from our physical health. depression has its symptoms and signs just that it requires special attention to it, look around to your friends, relative, sibling, if you see these symptoms present in them you can take them to help. Now present of these symptoms might not mean 100% that the person is in depression but you will surely know  something is wrong and in which direction it is heading to. so lets begin with how do we identify it.

Symptoms of Depression:

A. The symptoms are present for at least 2 weeks. ( this is one of the most important thing to keep in mind guys. the symptoms below has to be there from past 2 weeks, also not all the symptoms will be present in a personas depression manifest in its own different way from people to people but at least 5 of the symptoms  will be there.  Remember different people have different signs and symptoms when in depression.

  1. Sad mood most of the day, nearly everyday with subjective report of being sad or feeling empty or observation made by others.
  2. Markedly decrease interest or pleasure in all or almost all activities  most of the day, nearly every day ( do pay attention to most of the day or nearly everyday ,yes ! people in depression just cannot have fun or stop enjoying activities they once used to not suddenly but with course of time)
  3. Weight loss or weight gain when not dieting, or increase or decrease in appetite nearly everyday. ( imagine a foodie friend of yours just no more feel like eating or is hungry, wont you find it stranger? I would )
  4. SLEEP: insomnia or hypersomnia every day. trust me on this one, this is a big clue if suddenly a friend of yours who was a sloth loved sleeping or used to get eight-hour of proper sleep can’t go to bed  and is awake all night, or if goes to bed he/she does wake up in middle of the night has then has difficulty falling asleep.
  5. Fatigue or loss of energy  nearly everyday : There will be days when you wake up and don’t feel fresh or doing a small task makes you feel exhausted. You feel dull and doze all day long.
  6.  feeling worthless or having inappropriate guilt nearly everyday:  person in depression view the world or start viewing it black and white, going pessimist or thinking negative in fact even seeing negative in most scenario can happen.
  7. Thoughts of death, or committing suicide, can’t stop thinking about suicide, trying to commit one. This one is serious indicator, no one takes life for granted but people in depression, if you ever hear anyone around you saying it to you, or you yourself getting thoughts of ending your life drag that person or your own ass to a psychologist. NO JOKES.

These criteria I mentioned above are definitely going to be present in depression to certain extend. See depression is categorised in terms of its intensity as mild, medium and severe. Someone might show them intensely that it is affecting their daily activity or job or relationship drastically and in some work life or relationship is pretty intact, But the change will be evident in their behavior,mood etc. Faking a smile or orgasm can be easy but not faking your sadness people do try at times to ignore how they feel  but they know it and close one can definitely see it, so when you sense it on based of the symptoms above, take action.

Have a great day,


              ” LIVE THIS ONE LIFE A LITTLE MORE ” – Enliven