“ A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short ”
24th was the date I was born on. Every year my parents, family, friends, relatives, acquaintances call me on this day make me feel special as it is my birthday as I was born on this date, it kept coming every year untill I turn 24 and people started whispering “she is 24, she is 24, it’s the time, she should be married” I looked at the clock time didn’t show me marriage written on it, nor did my birth certificate mention about it. When my male best friend told me “why are you making your dad spend on laptop when he has expenses to make for your marriage”, it was when I turn 24 my mom said its time we can’t take any more you must be married”, My brother said “why are you still home you should be gone now”. I felt the unbearable burden of 24 and it is heavy way beyond what I imagined. I turned to my female friends and asked them WHY GIRLS MARRY WHEN THEY TURN IN NUMBERS ? My friends told me their secrets which was well…. They told me “its hard don’t do it. They showed me “its tough and gets tougher day by day because we did it for them, We did it in name of a ritual, We did it in the name of restriction, We did it in the name of finance that would buy us new shoes and bags, We did it because our mom did it, We did it as it is to be done, we did it as if you don’t do it now you will never be able to do it, We did as others were doing it and I was intimidated by it, We did it as we had no option, we did because we weren’t strong enough to fight for it, we did it because my mom said, “ you cannot survive without a man”, We did it because we were ageing, we did it because we were not brave enough to fight for our dreams and ambitions, we did cause we had no boyfriend, we did it because we were Gujarati and we did it because all of us have to do it one day, We did it because my parents will be looked down upon if I don’t, we did it because we love our mom dad, we married forcefully, we did it because not doing it wasn’t acceptable & we did it because NO ONE TOLD WE WHAT ELS TO DO.
Then there was me turning 24 on 24th with marriage being the only wish to fulfil, it was my turn to do it so did I do it ? No!! I didn’t. Well because it wasn’t written in the constitution of my country or wasn’t written in holy Geeta that Hinduism refer to, because it was not the part of syllabus in my school books which I studied, also as I saw my brother being above 24 years and still being single, Nor would it get me the noble prize, I didn’t do because my idol CoCo Chanel too didn’t do it.
MARRIAGE to me is not about numbers or a social ritual to follow nor a trend to stay updated with. Marriage is subjective in my opinion where each one getting married has their own reasons to do it. Yes ! R-E-A-S-O-N-S
A reason that will bring important change to my life after doing it and right now I don’t know that reason, I am not even in love, I do not know what good it will serve me or what internal wellbeing It will cause to my life which is already so beautiful, so fulfilling. I do not know what change will marriage bring to the essence of womanhood. I ponder upon how marriage will help me accept my flaws that I am struggling with, or fulfil my dream to climb mount Everest, a dream that is seems so difficult to me right now. But I know what marriage will get my parents or my relatives, simply new gossip over kitty parties. I assume every body around me asking me to get married did gain something vital from it, of utmost importance and so they are being so generous and motivational about it. I assume they must have had reached a milestone by doing it and pouring that encouragement for me right ? If marriage isn’t about achieving a milestone then it must be something basic. But lets not make it the only basic need of human survival.
Being a curious girl who I have always been, Next time you ask me or suggest me or advice me which I sugarcoat as a synonym for “pressurizing” to get married do let me know about your achievements. I have learnt that every action has equal and opposite reaction so let me know the reaction of Godly action you took then. I will not marry on the reason of others but on the one unique of my own. Just as I have unique retina and fingerprint that distinguishes me from you, my reason to marry is going to be MINE. I owe an explanation to my self for actions that I take, for decision that I make, for life that I create, for lessons that I teach, for kids that I make. I own explanation to my only life that I have & I am aware of as when I will grow old & look back to what I made out of this life I want marriage to be one of those reasons I smile for being my longest commitment. If I had to live a life of simply following order without questioning it I would get into army serve as a soldier defending her country without being selfish.
In India marriages are about family and togetherness that are brought by union of two people which is beautiful and also it’s about respecting elderly decisions blindly on the basis of their experience of the world and its functioning without questioning. Following this herd we have become ignorant to the silence that I have witnessed behind the doors of self-proclaimed wisdom filled with curses. I have heard whispering of women about their regrets and helplessness. I have seen wives adoring over movies and wishing if they could live it, if they could undo their past, surrounded by so many women I don’t see them satisfied or happy but I see them settled and helpless accepting their lives as their destiny and all the daughters out there are told this tale of compromise that comes with being a women. In this chaos of gender inferiority and superiority I my own kind of women step down of this not so required self-pity and self-sacrifice, stop this modified updated version of sati where every inch of emotions are burnt alive every day till last breath. I tend to remove the crown of damsel in distress and run from that priesthood and indeed choose to be queen of decisions and embrace the consequences that may be bitter but are better mine. I cannot ask all women out there to adore my thoughts as theory is flowery and soothing but its practicality is harsh and thorny, But I ask the epitome of God’s creation out there to question this practice and how worth it is, find the grace and strength to do justice to their only life they have. Marriage is not a one side business nor it is a compromise that every women have to make, throw that part of history which teaches you to be a looser. Marriage is a promise that two people make to themselves and each other allowing their close ones and loved ones to witness the coming together and staying together making a living better. Yes better! Simply better… marriage cannot change your life, It is simply an act we perform it is how we as an individual make this action worth so stop there itself lecturing me about it, stop asking questions about what is wrong with her? Because nothing is wrong with her she is simply busy thinking, planning, executing her ambitions and its okay if people don’t understand it, there will be times your closest person will not understand your wants and need. When they will try to inculcate guilt and embarrassment for something that you believe in, put your guards on let your defence protect your vision, Belive in self validation and no other. Humans have a lot to learn and one thing we are still in process of is the acknowledgment of accepting ” DIFFERENT “, Human beings are scared creature they never welcome the change that is not understood, whose circumstances cannot be predicted in every era there were and are going to be people who will be different either physically, mentally, emotionally, creatively, in terms of adversity, tolerance, dreams, thoughts, vision & actions. The question is how far are you willing to go to protect it. I have come this far and may even go further, conformity is not my forte so shall I cannot conform.
” Be a women of substance, not of consequence “
Have a good day !